101 Things Not To Do On The Job
by sirenxas
Summary: As the title suggests, go on a journey with the crew as they show you what not to do while on a job. Based on my own randomness and actual in-game experience with the AIs. Alternate Universe. Rated M for language. I may not actually do 101 things, but I wanted breathing room. Characters may not match their in-game personalities. Takes place during Payday 2. On Hiatus as of 2/2016.
1. Chapter 1

1 out of 101 things NOT to do while on a job… _Take a Smoke Break_

"Dallas! Dallas! God damn it! Hellooooo?" Chains screamed while surrounded by a bunch of SWAT team members. He anxiously kept jamming bullets into his secondary weapon up until he couldn't lift the gun anymore.

Dallas stood by the side of the only good china store in town, calmly smoking a cigarette.

"Come the fuck on!" Chains cried. The clock was counting down until he was literally in chains. Or handcuffs. Or both.

"ARGH!" Hoxton fell over, now down. Chains cussed.

Suddenly Chains was pulled up by an officer with a shield and taken to an armored automobile.

"Dallas? Dallas!" Hoxton yelled. Thus, the cycle began again.

"Hey, dude. Can I get a smoke off you?" A random civilian asked.

"Eh, sure whatever." Dallas replied, handing a cigarette to him. _I have to continue looking not suspicious… Even though I'm wearing a freaky yet patriotic clown mask._

"Look at those two morons. One's getting arrested for robbing a bank and the other's close to dead I think."

Dallas felt his eyes grow as big as saucers behind his mask. The cigarette dropped from his mouth onto the pavement.

"Oh shit! They started without me! I'll never earn the end of this from Vlad or Bain..."

2 out of 101 things NOT to do while on a job… _Get Gifts For Girlfriends_

"Okay, I've disabled the cameras." Wolf said, walking out of the jewelry store's security room. " _Tack_ for letting me borrow the saw, Chains."

"No prob, dude." Chains said, putting the saw away into his favorite duffel bag.

"Guys, where's Hoxton?" Dallas asked, after he finished tying up the last civilian.

"Oh, none of these are her or even my colors..." Hoxton pouted, lifting another pair of earrings to his face. "Are you sure that these are the only ones that are in my price range?"

"Just take anything you want!" The cashier cried. She was tied up and yet scared shitless.

"Ah. How about these emerald earrings? $200 is okay?" Hoxton asked, holding up a pair of emerald fancy earrings worth $500.

"Yes! Yes! Just take it..." The terrified woman screamed.

"Hoxton! Hoxton! _Sluta med det där!_ _Sluta!_ Someone will see!" Wolf yelled through the wall.

Suddenly a voice could be heard through the walkie talkie Dallas was carrying.

"Fuck me. We got company. It should take 'em a minute to get here..." Dallas shouted at the other guys. "Chains, ammo status."

"My ammo bag only has one use left..."

"Crap! Wolf, trip mines?"

"Only two left. That _f_ _ä_ _rd_ to those four stores for the _Ryska_ , did what do you say… depleted my supply."

"We're screwed. We're so screwed. I only have two uses of my doctor bag. We aren't gonna make it out alive. Alright, panic mode. Everyone grab a ba-"

Suddenly police sirens rang out.

"How about the rubies? I think they'll go good with the mask. My chick loves the mask. Whatcha think?" Hoxton asked.

Dallas grabbed Hoxton by the wrist and dragged him to another display case. Dallas crouched down.

"Ooohhh pearls! I lov-" Hoxton was interrupted mid-sentence by a giant bullet to his chest.

Wolf and Chains looked at Dallas.

"What? You can lead a horse to a safe place but you can't make him save himself. Besides, he deserved it..." Dallas muttered quietly, not loud enough for the police to overhear.

" _Du är så körd i huvudet..._ " Wolf whispered.

"Whatever you said, I most likely agree with you." Chains said, smiling.

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Wolf speaks Swedish. I don't know or speak Swedish. So I used Google Translate. So if it's wrong, that's why.

Wolf's Glossary (in order of apperance): _tack_ → thanks, _färd_ → trip, _Ryska →_ Russian, _Du är så körd i huvudet_ → you are so fucked in the head

Author's Note: I just started playing Payday 2 like a few days ago. And I didn't play Payday: The Heist. So yes, the character's personalities may not match up to the game in this story. But I wrote this mainly for fun! :) (Please enjoy and review and favorite and… everything else!) Each chapter will include 2 things not to do. Doubt I will actually do 101, but I wanted breathing room.

Plus, the 1st thing has actually happened to me. On many occasions. Damn you Dallas! By the way, thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

3 out of 101 things NOT to do while on a job… _Make Sex Noises While Using the Drill_

"EVERYONE DOWN!" Dallas screamed. They were in a bank. An awesome bank. With a bunch of shit to steal. The cops were on their asses. Things like this made Dallas wonder how and if the government had enough money for the kind of things they bring out to kick their asses. I mean, a guy who can withstand like 10 magazines of bullets? Wow. "Drill stat-"

"Oh yeah! Mmm..."

"What the royal fuck…?" Dallas asked, crawling towards the room with the safe.

There sat Chains, making all kinds of sex noises while the drill did its job. He wasn't even playing with himself or anything. He was just sitting there making sex noises like a maniac.

"What the hell?!" Dallas asked once again, rolling his eyes.

"What? I think the cops will go away if we make sex noises. Maybe they'll think some of the civilians are weird sex addicts who like to go around in clown masks and have sex while waving around guns..."

 **Five minutes later…**

Sergeant Stereotype entered the bank, holding his gun. His officer friend stood beside him. They silently approached the door, not wanting the robbers to get away.

"Ohh yes! Yes!"

"Oh my God! This is so good!"

"Wait, my fuck machine stopped. Let me restart it..."

"Yes darling, I love this so much!"

"What the…?" Stereotype gasped, listening in on them.

"Oh! Thank goodness I have a clown fetish! I love being your girlfriend!"

"Even though you sound like a man… I mean, oh, oh, oh yes!"

"Sir, should we barge down the door?" The friend asked Stereotype.

"Um… let's not. Because if we do, we may get arrested and want our eyes bleached out. I guess someone has a weird fetish and is a weird sex addict." Stereotype. said, before calling the rest of the police force on his walkie talkie.

Once the officers left, the four laughed their butts off. They couldn't believe it worked… until they realized that some of the officers actually stayed behind…

4 out of 101 Things Not to Do While On A Job... _Bring your Dog!_

"Um, wait, the dog should stay in the van." Chains said.

"Come on, Chains. Just because you are _rädd_ of my fluff bun does not mean I get to leave him behind. Bain said it was okay." Wolf snapped.

"Ugh. Do we have to take this mongrel with?" Chains said, looking at Dallas.

"I'm sorry, but if we leave Wolf in the car too long, he'll start getting bored and blow civilians up..." Dallas shrugged.

"I don't mean Wolf, I mean the goddamn dog!" Chains argued.

"Jesus… We're taking the damn dog. This coffee place happens to be pet-friendly." Dallas sighed.

"Come on, Chains, you honestly can't be scared of a chihuahua..." Hoxton said, holding the squirmy rat-like thing in his arms.

"Yes, yes I can be scared of a fucking drowned rat of a dog… I can't believe a man like Wolf has to have a dog so damn ridiculous..." Chains sighed.

Hoxton handed the little dog to Wolf and the four of them walked up to the coffee store. Wolf sat down at a table in front of the shop with his cute little fluffy dog. Dallas smoked a cigarette in an alleyway. Chains was inside, making small talk with an officer who was too stupid to recognize him. Hoxton was drinking an expensive cup of coffee.

All of a sudden, a shot rang out. Civilians screamed left and right, and Wolf was standing up out front. The other three put on their masks and investigated. Wolf had just shot a woman in the forehead.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Chains asked. "What did you kill a random bitch for?"

"What? She touched my _Älskling_. No one touches my _Älskling…_ " Wolf said.

"Oy vey..." Hoxton sighed, face palming.

"Shit. We got company..." Dallas said, staring at the sea of red and blue lights.

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Wolf's Glossary: _Rädd_ → scared, _Älskling_ → darling

A/N: You have to love Sergeant Stereotype. He's so… stereotypical!


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